Self-awareness and self-esteem: My story

I stand (type) before all of you today as a domestic violence survivor.  Needless to say, in that relationship and ever since, I've questioned my self-awareness and my self-esteem.  Self-awareness is a reflection of yourself, like your thoughts/behaviors.  There are a lot of examples of questions that I can throw in with self-awareness, but one that may stick out the most is "what am I thinking and feeling and why?"  I guess that's two questions, or two answers for the question.  Self-esteem is, basically, your own personal value.

Within my abusive relationship, I never payed attention to my self-awareness.  I never really thought of myself.  I guess you can say I gave up.  My self-esteem was constantly shot by him telling me I was worthless, I'm useless, and I would never amount to anything.  I'll just be a "fat, useless bitch" for the rest of my life.

I am engaged again, and these feelings still haunt me at times.  Granted, I do have a lot more self-awareness now.  For example, if I clean the house all day and wake up the next morning to it being messy, I'll tell my fiance, "I just spent ten hours yesterday cleaning the house. Can you please pick up after yourself?  I feel like all I do is clean and the house just gets messy in five minutes!"  I expressed my thoughts, but I could have said it in a softer way instead of yelling like I did.  

My self-esteem is still shot.  Here's a good example.  My fiance told me I looked pretty.  I looked at him and rolled my eyes.  I had put the effort into myself to dress nice, put on makeup, and fix my hair.  I did think I looked good, but hearing it from someone else makes me just think they're just saying it.  I still think I'm fat and useless at times, and I'll let it be known when I feel that way.