Communication fail.

So, as most of you readers know, I had a fiance.  I say had because two days ago, we broke up.  We have two different styles of communication.  I will explain the styles in my next entry this weekend or next week.  We just didn't mesh.  Whatever he thought of as a joke, I took as an insult.  I never knew when he was kidding, nor when he was being serious.  The only thing I was serious about, like most people, was money.  We didn't see eye-to-eye on that either.  I was about to lose my place, he had been living with me almost two months, and he never gave me any rent money.  So, today, I had it.  I took off because he said he wouldn't give me the money.  I turned off my phone.  I turned it back on when I was ready.  I received a call not long after to come to the bar, he had something for me.  It was the $250 we had talked about.

Now, I think in order for him to understand I meant business, I had to take away the things he needs most: a place to lay down, food in his stomach, and running water.  Some people don't know you mean business, until you threaten with taking away what they need to survive.  It was either give me $250 for an entire month, or $800 a month for a hotel room.  I think scaring him made him realize that I am not a person to mess with. 

To be honest, this blog isn't just for a class. It's also my personal blog.  It shouldn't be filled with just text and examples from a textbook.  It should also be part of my life, what I want to share with the world.  This entry may have broken some rules for my final grade, but with the way things have been going the last couple of days, I think it's worth a couple of points docked. 

Everyone have a nice day.  First, let me quote a song that I believe I should live by when any man takes advantage of me.  "And its all right, I'll be fine.  Don't worry about this heart of mine.  Just take your love and hit the road.  There's nothing you can do or say, you're gunna break my heart anyways.  So just, leave the pieces when you go." - The Wreckers.

Self-awareness and self-esteem: My story

I stand (type) before all of you today as a domestic violence survivor.  Needless to say, in that relationship and ever since, I've questioned my self-awareness and my self-esteem.  Self-awareness is a reflection of yourself, like your thoughts/behaviors.  There are a lot of examples of questions that I can throw in with self-awareness, but one that may stick out the most is "what am I thinking and feeling and why?"  I guess that's two questions, or two answers for the question.  Self-esteem is, basically, your own personal value.

Within my abusive relationship, I never payed attention to my self-awareness.  I never really thought of myself.  I guess you can say I gave up.  My self-esteem was constantly shot by him telling me I was worthless, I'm useless, and I would never amount to anything.  I'll just be a "fat, useless bitch" for the rest of my life.

I am engaged again, and these feelings still haunt me at times.  Granted, I do have a lot more self-awareness now.  For example, if I clean the house all day and wake up the next morning to it being messy, I'll tell my fiance, "I just spent ten hours yesterday cleaning the house. Can you please pick up after yourself?  I feel like all I do is clean and the house just gets messy in five minutes!"  I expressed my thoughts, but I could have said it in a softer way instead of yelling like I did.  

My self-esteem is still shot.  Here's a good example.  My fiance told me I looked pretty.  I looked at him and rolled my eyes.  I had put the effort into myself to dress nice, put on makeup, and fix my hair.  I did think I looked good, but hearing it from someone else makes me just think they're just saying it.  I still think I'm fat and useless at times, and I'll let it be known when I feel that way. 

Reflect & Relate: An Introduction to Interpersonal Communication

Over the course of seven weeks, I will be posting once or twice weekly on my interpersonal communication encounters.  I am taking an Interpersonal Communication class through a college (name will not be stated for privacy issues) and will, each week, be following through chapters, giving examples from the chapters, personal experience, and so forth.  The book is titled Reflect & Relate: An Introduction to Interpersonal Communication by Steven McCornack.

So, let's start.  In Chapter 1, the definition of communication is defined as "the process through with people use messages to generate meanings within and across contexts, cultures, channels, and media" [2010].  We use communication every day, no matter what.  A smile, a wave, voice, singing, poetry, text, e-mail, everything is communication.  The better you communicate, the better the relationship.  For instance, this morning my fiance said he had to go somewhere. I sighed and got up off of the couch and, needless to say, it turned ugly.  My sigh was a hint that I didn't want to do anything.  I had just got up.  Perhaps I should have just said, "Can we go in 30 minutes," instead of the sigh.  But, each communication action has a response; whether good or bad.  I guess you can say this was an interactive communication model ("a depiction of communication messages that are exchanged back and forth between a sender and receiver and are influenced by feedback and the fields of experience of both communicators" [2010]).  In order to understand the different types of communication models, I will give an example of each below:

Linear Model of Communication 

Messages Communicated Through Channels

Sender  -----Noise----->    Receiver

Interactive Model of Communication

Field of Experience          Messages communicated through channels        Field of Experience

Sender                                           -----Noise----->                                                Receiver

                                                      <---Feedback---

Transactional Model of Communication

Field of Experience         Messages exchanged through channels,              Field of Experience

                                              jointly creating meaning

Communicator                    <--------------Noise-------------->                                Communicator

The reason I'm saying that what was said this morning was using the interactive model was because I made a noise, he gave a response.  If I would have asked him to wait thirty minutes or so, it could have given a negative or positive response, such as him sighing, saying, "I don't want to wait." 

That's all for today, folks.  Hope you enjoyed the entry.

Sincerely,

Nichole